Revisit: How to Manage Conflict Using the Feedback Wheel

Struggling to resolve conflict in your relationship?

You’re in good company. I’ve been chatting with the homies and conflict is in the air. The natural sense of renewal that comes with the new year can amplify reactions to perpetual issues. New year, new you until your partner rolls up with that same old BS. I’ve got your back with a conflict management tool.

Presenting the Feedback Wheel from the illustrious couples therapist, Terrance Real. Move through the steps below to resolve your conflict.

Ask Permission

First, you need to ask whether now is the right time to talk. A common mistake, especially by those of us who find conflict anxiety-provoking, is rushing to resolution before everybody is in the right headspace. Sometimes people need time to reset their boundaries. You also need to ask permission because the Feedback Wheel is a one-way street. The one who starts the wheel does all the talking. Unlike some other strategies, there is no you go, I go. It’s I go all the way and they need to be prepared for that.

Lead with Love

Reminder: You care about the person in front of you.

They way you come at them should reflect that love and care. If your deep love and care for them isn’t doing it for you, then be strategic. You’re not going to get what you want if you come in too hot. Behave as though you love them until those feelings reboot.

Turn the Wheel

• Step 1: What Had Happened Was

  • Just the facts here, which means if you recorded this interaction on your phone, you could see or hear everything in your description of what happened. Skip you felt and you must think and focus on observable behavior and statements.

• Step 2: Just My Imagination

  • Share your interpretation of what their behavior meant but own out loud that it’s just your interpretation. Your thoughts, feelings, and interpretations are your own. I know you think that the fact that your negative feelings exist means they’re to blame, but you’re wrong. Try this: What I made up about this was… Sounds weird, but it’s a great reminder to you and your partner that you’re just sharing your perspective on what happened and not describing them as a person.

• Step 3: My Emotions

  • Time to talk about your feelings. Own your feelings instead of blaming your partner. Say this: I felt X, Y, and Z. Owning your feelings means you don’t attribute them (read: blame) to your partner. That’s the difference between you betrayed me and I feel betrayed. I know not everyone is great with their emotions, so if you need help, pick one of the 7 Basic Emotions: anger, pain, fear, shame, guilt, joy, and love. Anger, especially in men, is often a shield for other emotions, so dig deep and share.

• Step 4: What I Need Next

  • You’re almost there, so time to close the deal. Now’s the time when you let go of the negativity of the past and focus on how your partner can help you move forward. Put away your daggers and be genuine about what you need. You need to focus on what observable action steps your partner can take. If you want them to have a better attitude, fine, what behaviors would they show you to prove their attitude was better? You can’t let them leave the conversation without a clear idea of what they can do to help you heal.

Let It Go

Here’s the last and most important part. Let this go and move forward. Few things sink a relationship faster than fake resolution. Don’t say you’re fine and keep lashing out. Your job is to do everything you can in Step 4 to help your partner help you. If they’re acting as you asked and you still feel some type of way, then you didn’t do a good enough job asking for what you need. It’s okay, we’re all a work in progress and it’s hard to know what you need sometimes. Live, learn, but don’t blame your partner.

Example:

Real says that once you’ve practiced this a few times, the whole wheel should only take around 1-2 sentences for each step. Here’s an example of how the steps might sound together:

Hey, is now a good time to talk about your driving? I’d like you to just listen instead of jumping in.  

[partner agrees to listen]

Yesterday, you got another speeding ticket and that’s the third one in the past few months. When I said something about it, you yelled at me and then just walked out of the room [Step 1]. What I made up about that, and these are just my thoughts, I’m not saying this is who you are. I imagined that you don’t care about me or what this does to us financially. When you walked out while I was still trying to talk about this, I imagined that you didn’t respect me [Step 2]. I was definitely angry, but I also felt pain and fear about our finances and shame about how you treated me when I brought this up [Step 3]. You can help me move on from this by agreeing to stay in the room when we disagree and deciding on a time for us to talk about your driving [Step 4].  

Best of luck resolving those conflicts.

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