Five Questions to Reflect on Manhood
If you want to grow as a man, you first need to understand how you think about manhood.
You can’t change or reinforce aspects of yourself that you can’t see or understand. And the best way to deepen understanding is to reflect on your thoughts and beliefs.
Enter The Point magazine.
They’ve conducted a survey with people of all genders about manhood. They published some of the responses in the May issue online. I read this last month and have continued to return to these questions. If you’re looking for an entry point to reflect on your masculine identity, these questions can help.
Here they are:
What, if any, is your most masculine trait?
How did you learn what it meant to be a man?
What would you say is the biggest challenge or hurdle that men face today?
What are men to blame for?
Is there anything you think only men can understand?
I encourage you to take some time and read the responses and then answer the questions for yourself.
These questions will help you:
Reflect on messages you received as a kid
Consider what’s working and not working for you currently
Expand your focus to include other men or even all men as you noodle on masculinity
Here are my responses.
What, if any, is your most masculine trait?
The way I take care of the people in my life.
I’m proud that this includes emotional care. I grew up around people who didn’t think they had the luxury to do both and instead focused on finances. I don’t take for granted that this still feels like a challenge for many people.
I also have a quiet but unwavering confidence that I’m qualified for 85% of available jobs despite clear evidence to the contrary.
How did you learn what it meant to be a man?
Men and magazines.
Because I grew up without a father, I collected male role models throughout childhood. I saw several examples, both positive and negative, of what men could be. By the time I reached college, I had plenty of examples of the kind of man I didn’t want to be. But I had no concept of how to become the man I wanted to be. Enter the men’s magazine.
Esquire, Men’s Health, and Him (while it lasted) shaped my concept of what men could and should be. Well-dressed, physically fit, and rich (so you can afford the clothes and watches).
I’m still unpacking some of these lessons – I feel naked without a watch, and I never wear flip flops.
What would you say is the biggest challenge or hurdle that men face today?
We’ve gotten pretty good as a society at criticizing maleness, masculinity, and individual men.
Sometimes that’s warranted. There’s far less criticism of the structures and environments that create the men who concern us. We act like men just pop out of their mothers as toxic little monsters. The truth is we build the men we think we want instead of the men we deserve.
Then, we spend the rest of our time punishing them for our mistakes.
What are men to blame for?
I think it’s difficult to blame “men” collectively for the ills of the world because men can be so varied.
As individuals, some of us deserve blame for our actions. For the way we treat the people in our orbits. For choosing competition over connection so often.
Many of us deserve blame for our silence and for our inaction.
Is there anything you think only men can understand?
The exasperation of cramming ourselves into the narrow box of masculinity.
Succeeding in this only to realize you’ve done your job too well and pushed everyone away in the process.
The rarely public expressions of love and support within male friendships.
What do these questions bring up for you?
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